I know first-hand how the loss of a loved one to suicide is one of the most profound and devastating experiences anyone can face. We know from the psychological research in this area, that along with the deep sorrow that comes from such a loss, many individuals also experience an overwhelming sense of guilt. This guilt can stem from feelings of regret, self-blame, or questioning whether you could have done something to prevent the tragedy. In my own journey with the loss of my brother to suicide in 2015, understanding and addressing these emotions is a crucial step toward healing.
In this blog, we’ll explore practical strategies for coping with guilt after the suicide of a loved one, including the role of specific bereavement support services, grief retreats, Intensive EMDR therapy, and being with a community who understands. These approaches can help you process your emotions and begin to find peace in the aftermath of such a traumatic loss.
Understanding Guilt After a Loved One’s Suicide
Why Guilt is Common After Suicide
Guilt is a natural emotional response to the loss of a loved one, and it is especially common when that loss comes through suicide. Survivors may feel as though they missed signs, could have done more to intervene, or are somehow responsible for the loved one’s decision. These feelings can be exacerbated by the suddenness of the loss, the shock, and the lack of closure.
It’s important to recognise that guilt after suicide is completely normal and a sign of the love you had for the person you have lost. I remember, as a counsellor who ‘should’ have known what to do to help my brother, the guilt I felt was unforgivable. However, now I know that you cannot control someone else’s actions, especially in the case of suicide. Ultimately those who die by suicide have an invisible illness or find themselves in a terrible situation they feel they cannot escape from (amongst many other reasons). Still, these feelings of guilt are real and addressing them is crucial for healing.
Different Types of Guilt Survivors Experience
There are several different types of guilt that those who lose a loved one to suicide may experience:
- Survivor’s Guilt: Feeling that you should have been able to prevent suicide or questioning why you are still alive while your loved one is not.
- Self-Blame: Believing that something you did or did not do may have contributed to the loved one’s death.
- Regret Over Missed Signs: Feeling guilty because you think you missed signs that your loved one was struggling emotionally.
- Guilt for Moving On: Some people feel guilty for experiencing joy or for continuing with their life after suicide.
If you’re finding it difficult to cope, contact us for support and guidance. Whether you’re looking for resources, therapy options, or just someone to talk to, reaching out for help can be a vital step in your healing process.
Effective Ways to Cope with Guilt After Suicide
Healing from guilt after suicide is a difficult and often lengthy process. However, there are several approaches that can help. Here are some effective ways to cope with these painful emotions:
1. Allow Yourself to Grieve
Grief is a natural and necessary part of the healing process. It’s important to allow yourself to feel the full range of emotions that come with such a profound loss-sadness, anger, confusion, and even guilt. Ignoring or repressing these feelings can hinder your ability to heal.
Here are a few ways to allow yourself to grieve:
- Express Your Emotions: Don’t bottle up your feelings. Find a safe outlet for your emotions, whether that’s talking to a friend, journaling, or engaging in creative activities like journalling.
- Don’t Rush the Process: Healing takes time. Be patient with yourself and understand that grief doesn’t have a set timeline.
2. Engage in Grief Retreats
Sometimes, healing requires stepping away from everyday life to focus fully on your emotional recovery. Grief retreats offer an environment where you can process your emotions in a supportive setting. These retreats typically provide:
- Therapeutic Support: Grief counselors and therapists who specialize in suicide loss can guide you through your feelings and help you process complex emotions.
- Group Sessions: Sharing your experiences with others who have gone through similar pain can be incredibly healing. The solidarity and empathy that arise in these groups can help alleviate feelings of isolation.
- Healing Activities: Many grief retreats offer activities such as meditation, yoga, movement, and nature walks, which can provide emotional and physical healing.
These retreats are guided by experienced professionals who understand the unique challenges of navigating suicide grief. In addition to in-person support, you can visit The Healing Narratives of Suicide Grief Podcast to listen to heartfelt stories, expert advice, and practical coping strategies from people who have faced similar experiences.
3. Seek Professional Help: EMDR Therapy and Trauma Sessions
For many survivors, the trauma of losing someone to suicide can leave emotional scars that last long after the initial shock. EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy is a specialized approach that helps individuals process trauma, including the intense guilt and grief associated with suicide.
EMDR is based on the idea that the brain’s natural healing process can be stimulated through bilateral stimulation (e.g., eye movements). It helps to reprocess traumatic memories, allowing individuals to reduce the emotional charge attached to those memories.
Benefits of EMDR therapy include:
- Reduced Emotional Distress: It helps survivors process and lessen the emotional impact of traumatic memories.
- Improved Coping Mechanisms: EMDR helps you develop healthier ways of coping with overwhelming thoughts and feelings.
- Long-Term Healing: Unlike traditional talk therapy, which focuses on discussing trauma, EMDR targets the underlying emotional wounds and reprograms how the brain processes them.
- Healing the Trauma so Natural Mourning can take place: There is a difference between trauma and mourning. It is important to find a professional who can help you identify the difference and support you in healing the trauma so the natural grief process can take place.
If you’re struggling with the trauma of suicide loss, consider seeking out an EMDR therapist or a professional offering trauma therapy session. Intensive EMDR sessions mean that you can work on the trauma over a short period – giving time to process all the emotions in a safe setting. There are also charities that offer free counselling and peer support groups within the UK such as Suicide&Co & Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide.
4. Practice Self-Forgiveness
Forgiving yourself can be one of the hardest parts of healing. It is essential to recognise that you are not to blame for someone else’s decisions. People who struggle with suicide may not leave clear signs or may hide their pain, making it impossible to predict their actions. The idea of self-forgiveness starts with:
- Acknowledging Your Emotions: Recognise that guilt is a natural part of the grieving process, but it does not define you.
- Challenging Negative Thought Patterns: Confront irrational beliefs like “I should have done more.” Replace them with more compassionate, rational thoughts. I often ask myself – what would love to say?
- Practicing Compassion: Speak to yourself with kindness and remind yourself that healing takes time. Self-compassion is key to overcoming guilt.
5. Join a Support Group
Many survivors of suicide loss find solace in support groups, where they can connect with others who understand their pain. Support groups provide a safe environment to share your story, listen to others, and offer mutual support. Many of these groups are facilitated by grief counselors or mental health professionals, which ensures that the process is constructive and healing.
If you’re seeking support, check out our community for survivors of suicide loss or go to our free resources page for other organisations offering support.
FAQ: Coping with Guilt After Suicide
1. Is it normal to feel guilty after a loved one’s suicide?
Yes, it is completely normal to feel guilty after a loved one’s suicide. Many survivors question whether they could have done something to prevent it, even though the reality is that suicide is often unpredictable.
2. How can I stop feeling guilty after a suicide?
While you may not be able to stop feeling guilty right away, engaging in self-compassion, seeking therapy, and attending grief retreats can help you process and release some of these feelings over time.
3. What is EMDR therapy, and how can it help with guilt after suicide?
EMDR is a form of therapy that helps process trauma by stimulating the brain’s natural healing mechanisms. It is particularly useful for individuals dealing with trauma and guilt after suicide, as it targets the emotional pain tied to the memories.
4. How long does it take to heal from guilt after a suicide?
Healing is a personal process that varies from person to person. Some individuals may start to feel relief after a few months, while others may take years. Be patient and allow yourself to heal at your own pace.
5. What are the benefits of joining a grief support group?
Support groups offer a sense of community and solidarity with others who have experienced similar loss. Sharing your experiences and listening to others can help you feel less isolated and provide comfort during your grieving process.
Conclusion
Coping with guilt after the suicide of a loved one is one of the most challenging emotional experiences anyone can face. However, through self-compassion, professional therapy, grief retreats, and support from others, it is possible to heal. Remember that there is no right or wrong way to grieve, and healing takes time.
If you are struggling with guilt, trauma, or complicated grief following the suicide of a loved one, don’t hesitate to reach out for professional help. Support groups, therapy, and grief retreats offer a space where you can begin to understand and work through your emotions. At Suicide Grief Support, we offer compassionate resources and therapy options tailored to survivors of suicide loss. Whether you’re seeking intensive EMDR specific to suicide grief or looking to connect with others who understand your pain, we are here to help you heal. Remember, you don’t have to go through this journey alone – help is available.