Introduction
You’re doing everything. The meals. The school runs. The bills. The late-night worry. The deep ache no one sees. You show up for your kids, hold space for their pain, and keep life running – all while trying to swallow your own grief. And maybe you do it with a smile. Or silence. Or sarcasm. Or a clean kitchen. But inside, you’re worn out. Tired in your bones. You lie awake but feel numb. Or wired. Or both.
I know this place. I lived there too.
After my brother died by suicide when I was a single mum already, I was left to raise my children through their pre-teen and teen years alone among the grief. I didn’t get to collapse. I couldn’t. They needed me. So I did what many of us do: I got back to work. I made sure homework got done. I cooked. I smiled at neighbors. But inside, I was devastated. Quietly. Completely. And no one noticed. I didn’t even notice – not fully – until I couldn’t feel much of anything anymore. My body was tired. My head felt heavy. Everything started feeling like a chore.
I thought I was just being strong. But the truth was, I was stuck in survival. Everything changed when I realised what was happening inside me wasn’t weakness. It was my nervous system, locked in grief and danger mode. And I didn’t need to push through it. I needed a system to gently lead myself out of it.
That’s what this blog post – and the Reclaim You Coaching course – is about.
It’s the same 4-step system I created for myself, and now use with clients, that helped me feel again. It helped me feel calm. Present. Safe in my own skin. It didn’t happen overnight. But it worked. And it’s simple. You don’t need hours. You just need a few minutes a day. And the right steps.
Here’s what we’ll cover:
Step 1: Breathe.
Step 2: Ground your body so your mind can rest.
Step 3: Feel one thing at a time – not all of it at once.
Step 4: Connect to something outside your pain.
These are the steps that pulled me out of emotional exhaustion. They’re trauma-informed, grief-aware, and mum-tested. If you’re holding it all together and slowly falling apart – this is for you.
You’re not weak. You’re not broken. You’re just tired, likely experiencing complicated grief. And there’s a way out.
The Myths
There are lies we’ve been told. Lies we’ve believed.
That grief has a timeline. That strong people don’t fall apart. That if we just stay busy, it’ll get better. That parenting means martyrdom. That therapy is for when things are really bad. That self-care is about bubble baths.
None of this is true. But when you’re in survival mode, it’s hard to see what’s real. Grief is not linear. And it doesn’t follow stages. It comes in waves – and it hides in your body. In your jaw. In your gut. In your shoulders. And pushing through it only pushes it deeper.
Emotional exhaustion doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means your body has been running in overdrive for too long. It means your nervous system never got the signal that the danger has passed.
And here’s the biggest myth of all: that you have to carry this alone. You don’t. You never did. But no one taught us how to ask for help. Or what help even looks like when you’re the one keeping everyone alive.
That’s where this system comes in.
It’s not whoo-whoo. It’s not mindset tricks. It’s a survival system based on research that helps your body and mind come back to center.
The Mechanics
Let’s walk through the 4-step system.
Step 1: Breathe
When we’re in survival mode, we hold our breath. Or we breathe fast and shallow. This sends danger signals to your brain – reinforcing the loop. But when you slow your breath, your body feels safe. And your mind starts to follow.
Try this: Inhale through your nose for 4 counts. Hold for 4. Exhale through your mouth for 6. Repeat 5 times.
Do this when you’re washing dishes. In your car when waiting to pick up the children from school. In the bathroom. It doesn’t have to be perfect. It just has to happen.
What it does:
Your heart rate slows. Your mind stops racing. Your body starts to feel less like a threat. That’s where healing begins.
Step 2: Ground Your Body
When your mind is spinning, your body can anchor you.
Take off your shoes. Feel the floor. Press your feet into the ground. Notice 3 things you see. 2 things you hear. 1 thing you can touch.
This brings you into the now. Not the past.
Why it works:
Your nervous system responds to your senses. When you orient to your body, your mind feels safer. This calms anxiety and shuts down spirals before they spin out.
Step 3: Feel One Thing at a Time
You don’t have to feel it all at once. You’re not a failure if you can’t cry or don’t know what you feel. The goal isn’t to go deep. It’s to notice what’s true right now.
You might feel tired. Or ragey. Or numb. Let that be okay.
Name it. Say it out loud. “I feel… overwhelmed.” Or “I feel… nothing.”
That’s progress. Naming it makes it smaller.
When you make room for one emotion at a time, your body doesn’t shut down. You don’t need to fix anything. Just witness it.
This gives your pain a place to go.
Step 4: Connect to Something Bigger
Grief isolates. Exhaustion cuts us off. But connection is medicine.
Reach out to one friend. Step into nature. Light a candle for your loved one. Breathe with your hand on your chest and say, “I’m still here.”
You don’t need to believe in anything. Just remember you’re not alone.
Even in the dark, you’re still connected. To your children. To your body. To your breath. To life.
This step keeps you from disappearing. It helps you begin to belong again – not just to others, but to yourself.
Maintenance
You’ll start to feel better. More grounded. Less frantic. But then a hard day will come. And it’ll feel like you’re right back where you started. This is normal.
The key is to make this system part of your day – not just your worst days.
Maybe you do step 1 in the traffic jam. Step 2 in the shower. Step 3 when you journal at night. Step 4 when you drink your tea.
You will forget. You will skip it. That’s okay. Come back to it anyway. The goal isn’t perfection. It’s repair. Over and over again.
Expect setbacks. Grief isn’t neat. Some days it crashes over you. Some days you feel fine. That doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. You’re rebuilding. One breath at a time.
Troubleshooting
What if I don’t feel anything?
That’s okay. Numbness is a feeling. Start there. Say it out loud: “I feel numb.” That’s where we start – with non-judgmental awareness.
What if I can’t find time?
Start with 2 minutes. Inhale. Exhale. That counts. Tiny shifts add up.
What if I do all the steps and still feel awful?
You’re not broken. You’re human. Sometimes the pain needs space. Keep breathing. Keep grounding. Reach out. This isn’t instant. It’s a path.
What if I feel guilty for focusing on me?
Your kids need you. Not the shell of you. When you care for yourself, you give them more than just meals. You give them a parent who is present and here.
What if I fall apart after I start this?
That’s not falling apart. That’s breaking open. That’s healing. You’re allowed to let go. Safely. Slowly. You’ll rebuild. I promise you. It will change.
Conclusion
You don’t have to carry it all alone. You never did.
The 4-step survival system isn’t about fixing your grief. It’s about surviving it – without losing yourself. It’s about finding safety inside your skin again. It’s about building strength that doesn’t burn you out.
You’ve made it this far. That’s not weakness. That’s power.
Now, you have a path. Simple. Clear. Gentle.
It starts with a breath. Then a step. Then another.
You’re not just surviving. You’re reclaiming your life. You’re giving yourself a way out of exhaustion – and into something softer. Something steadier.
You’re doing it. Right now by reading this far.
Keep going – you are not alone.
Suicide Loss Survivors – always…
Stronger Together x
